Recently my good friend and Librarian boss in Thailand sent out this article because she is moving back to the states after serving overseas for many years. I wanted to share it with you, my friends, so that you can better understand where we are at since moving home. Finding "Normal" once again has not been
as easy as I had hoped and prayed it would be. I find that many of the points in the article
below are a real part of life even though we have been living in the states now
for almost two years. After living
overseas for more than 10 years, I find these last two years have only put a
dent into the reality of transition.
I know that this article might be a bit long for
some to take the time to read, but it gives such good insight into the heart
and mind of missionaries who have returned to their home countries. Andy and I are still involved with missions
serving at New Tribes Bible Institute in training the next generation of
cross-cultural church planters. However,
when the scenery, culture and language are so familiar it is easy to exist in a
weird "in between" state,
feeling not quite at home in America but not quite functioning as a
"real" missionary either.
Thanks for praying for us as we follow God's plan for our lives and
trust Him for the grace to continue serving.
In the midst of moving back to my
“home” country, I wasn’t at a place to articulate to my friends and family what
was going on inside me or what I needed {probably because I didn’t understand
it myself}, but looking back there are things I wish I’d been able to
communicate because I know it was a complicated transition for them too.
This week, I thought I’d write
some of those thoughts down in hopes of them being helpful to others who have
friends or family members moving back “home.” These are things I would
have liked to have written to those closest to me in the first few years after
moving back.
Dear Friends & Family,
I know I’m a complicated package
right now. I know you’re not quite sure what to expect from me. I’m
not sure either! Which is what makes this season challenging. I’m
sorry it’s hard. Sorry for you {because I know it can be hard to be my
friend these days}, and sorry for me {because I don’t always like who I feel
like I am right now}. Maybe some of this will help you understand a
little more…
Home is a hard word for me right
now! One
day I am excited to be here. The next day I desperately want to be
anywhere but here. Please don’t take it personally. I value you
even if it seems like I’m frustrated with my home culture some days. My
brain is trying to sort out and mix together all of the cultures I’ve come in
contact with and figure out who I am now {they tell me this is a normal part of
reverse culture shock}. I know some days I can seem fickle or critical or
confused. Believe it or not, most days the re-entry season is harder for
me then living overseas was.
Moving Back and Moving On! Oh, how I wish it was that
easy! As much as I want to embrace this next stage wholeheartedly and not
look back, I’m finding that mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I just can’t
move on that fast. Re-entry might take a few years longer then we’d like
{yes, I said years…I’m not going to be over this in weeks or months most likely}.
Not because I want to be in this place forever, but because I want to give you
a realistic picture that this season can last a while.
I’m grieving. There’s been a lot of
change, a lot of saying goodbye. It feels like I left part of me in a
different place, and I’ll never be the same again. So, if it seems like
I’m crying for no reason over little things, it’s because I have to walk
through the process of mourning things I’ve lost. I know I said goodbye
in my last country, but I’m finding there is still grieving to do. Some
days I want to pretend away that grief, but it’s still there. I’m saying
goodbye to people, places, foods, routines, careers, and the intangible losses
of dreams, innocence, etc. It helps me grieve when you’re willing to
listen…to what I’ve lost, to what I miss, to what is hard. As I talk
about it, I find I’m able to grieve it and move on. It is such a
gift when we go to international stores to find things I miss or make a meal I
miss from living overseas.
I’m living in a constant state of
awkward these days.
Everything I do feels awkward. Registering for school, using an ATM,
shopping in a large grocery store, knowing what are appropriate topics to talk
about at parties. It’s a bit overwhelming. I feel out of the loop.
If I seem overwhelmed by little things, it’s because my brain feels paralyzed
by the myriad of “new” things I’m doing. Life takes so much more
energy. It’s OK to ask if there are things I have questions about or want
to re-learn how to do. I may be ashamed to ask, but it is such a grace
when you’re willing to explain without judgment how things work in this new
home.
I wish I had more energy then I do. When you ask me to do
things and I say no, it’s not because I don’t want to hang out. It may be
that I can’t manage one more thing today. Tomorrow I may be able to say
yes. Please, please keep asking. I really do want friends in my new
home.
I may not be talking about my
life overseas, but chances are I’m thinking about it a lot. I know it’s been a couple
years, but I still think about life in my former country. Some days I
wonder if we made the right choice moving home. Some days I wonder if my
life overseas made a difference. Some days I feel guilty for not being
there. One of the best gifts you can give me is to ask about my life
before this. I am probably not talking about it because it’s hard to talk
about or I’m not sure you want to hear about it, but I really do want someone
to ask me how it was.
Help me talk about the paradox. My time overseas had
amazing moments and tough moments. I need to talk about both with a
healthy balance. When you ask me questions about what was good and what
was hard in equal measure it helps. It allows me to grieve the hard and
celebrate the good. It protects me from remembering a distorted
picture. Please don’t assume that my life overseas was either wonderful
or hard all the time. Most of the time it was both at the same time.
I know I’m hard to live with
right now, and I’m sorry. I don’t understand all the emotions that are going
on inside of me, but sometimes anger, cynicism, and a critical spirit bubble up
in me in ways I didn’t know were possible. They tell me it’s a part of
reverse culture shock to feel some of these things. I’m sorry for the
ways this makes living with me challenging. Please don’t think I’m going
crazy when I express some of these feelings. Believe me, I don’t like
this part of me either. They tell me it won’t last forever. Thank
you for having the grace to let me walk through this process of re-entry…and
providing a safe place for me to talk through all the crazy emotions that go
with it.
Please remind me that I have
value as a person regardless of my current occupation. Sometimes I can believe the lie that
I’m not an important person anymore because I’m not doing a job that people see
as “cool” or world changing. It is such a gift when you affirm that my
value is found in who I am, and not what I do. When you ask things like
“what are you doing next?”, I know you are genuinely interested, but if I don’t
have a cool answer {or any answer} it can lead me down a road of thinking that
my value is tied to my occupation. You might also be careful of asking
“when are you going to move back?” That can also be a hard question
too. Thank you so much for the ways you affirm how you see me using my
gifts in this new place. That really helps.
My mental and emotional health
may be a bit shaky. I’m not going crazy, it’s a bi-product of having a high stress
job overseas and the normal process of reverse culture shock. It isn’t
true for everyone, but they tell me it’s not unusual for people in re-entry to
find themselves experiencing some depression, anxiety, PTSD type
symptoms. It’s not necessarily because something happened on the
field. It does not mean I’m doing something wrong in re-entry. It’s
not because you are doing something wrong. Sometimes it’s just because
living overseas is a high stress job, and we can’t escape the toll it can take
on our emotional and mental health.
It is such a gift when people
genuinely ask me how I’m doing. If I’m struggling in these areas, please
don’t freak out. Remind me that this is a part of transition for some
people {without minimizing what I’m feeling}. Encourage me to talk to a
professional who has experience working with those who’ve lived overseas.
If I’m scared to go by myself, go with me. Ask me what my triggers
are. Ask how you can help. Celebrate when I invest my time and
energy in things that will strengthen my emotional health {sometimes I feel
selfish to be focusing on these things}. It helps to have other people
say it’s important. Remind me that this is just a season. Sometimes
the scariest part is thinking I will feel this way forever. What a gift it
is to have people in my life who don’t offer the quick fix answers but who are
willing to walk with me on this journey.
I just want to be a normal
person! Please
don’t assume I’m super spiritual or don’t struggle just because I’ve been
employed in full time ministry overseas. I just want to be me. I
just want to have friends. I’m not a superstar. This for me is the
hardest season my spiritual life has ever gone through…and some days I need
people who are OK with listening to my doubts and questions, and who don’t
assume that I’ve got it all together. It is so life giving when I feel a
freedom to be me {with all of the good and complicated parts}.
If it seems like I don’t know
what I want…it’s because I don’t! Living overseas confused my identity in a big
way! There are parts of the old me and parts of the new me that are all
mixed up inside. It’s going to take some time to sort all that out.
I’m not the same person who moved to the field. I’m also not the same
person here as I was overseas. You may find that I change my mind about
what I want from one day to another. It may take me a while to figure out
things like what church I like or what part of town I want to live in.
And just to warn you, it probably won’t be the same decision I made before I
moved overseas. It’s like I’m having to figure out “who do I want
to be when I grow up” all over again. Please be patient with my pursuit
of identity. It really helps when you speak into my life what you feel
like my gifts, talents, and aptitudes are. As you talk about it, I can
start to figure out again who I am. It’s also a gift to me when you
invite me to do new things, and encourage me to explore who I am. Telling
me who I should be won’t work. I have to figure this one out on my own.
You are more important then you
know! I
cannot do re-entry without you. I need caring people in my life for this
season as much as I did when I lived internationally. Thank you for your
patience, your concern, your listening ear, your companionship. I may not
have the emotional energy to express how much your friendship means to me right
now, but THANK YOU for walking the re-entry journey with me!
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