May 2016 Newsletter

   May 2016 Newsletter by a_templeton01

For Friends & Family of those Moving Back “Home”

Recently my good friend and Librarian boss in Thailand sent out this article because she is moving back to the states after serving overseas for many years.  I wanted to share it with you, my friends, so that you can better understand where we are at since moving home.  Finding "Normal" once again has not been as easy as I had hoped and prayed it would be.  I find that many of the points in the article below are a real part of life even though we have been living in the states now for almost two years.  After living overseas for more than 10 years, I find these last two years have only put a dent into the reality of transition.

I know that this article might be a bit long for some to take the time to read, but it gives such good insight into the heart and mind of missionaries who have returned to their home countries.  Andy and I are still involved with missions serving at New Tribes Bible Institute in training the next generation of cross-cultural church planters.  However, when the scenery, culture and language are so familiar it is easy to exist in a weird "in between" state,  feeling not quite at home in America but not quite functioning as a "real" missionary either.  Thanks for praying for us as we follow God's plan for our lives and trust Him for the grace to continue serving.

Ruthie

Extended Family, Friendship, Reverse Culture Shock, Time & Reentry

 

In the midst of moving back to my “home” country, I wasn’t at a place to articulate to my friends and family what was going on inside me or what I needed {probably because I didn’t understand it myself}, but looking back there are things I wish I’d been able to communicate because I know it was a complicated transition for them too.

This week, I thought I’d write some of those thoughts down in hopes of them being helpful to others who have friends or family members moving back “home.”  These are things I would have liked to have written to those closest to me in the first few years after moving back.

Dear Friends & Family,

I know I’m a complicated package right now.  I know you’re not quite sure what to expect from me.  I’m not sure either!  Which is what makes this season challenging.  I’m sorry it’s hard.  Sorry for you {because I know it can be hard to be my friend these days}, and sorry for me {because I don’t always like who I feel like I am right now}.  Maybe some of this will help you understand a little more…

Home is a hard word for me right now!  One day I am excited to be here.  The next day I desperately want to be anywhere but here.  Please don’t take it personally.  I value you even if it seems like I’m frustrated with my home culture some days.  My brain is trying to sort out and mix together all of the cultures I’ve come in contact with and figure out who I am now {they tell me this is a normal part of reverse culture shock}.  I know some days I can seem fickle or critical or confused.  Believe it or not, most days the re-entry season is harder for me then living overseas was.

Moving Back and Moving On!  Oh, how I wish it was that easy!  As much as I want to embrace this next stage wholeheartedly and not look back, I’m finding that mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I just can’t move on that fast.  Re-entry might take a few years longer then we’d like {yes, I said years…I’m not going to be over this in weeks or months most likely}.  Not because I want to be in this place forever, but because I want to give you a realistic picture that this season can last a while.

I’m grieving.  There’s been a lot of change, a lot of saying goodbye.  It feels like I left part of me in a different place, and I’ll never be the same again.  So, if it seems like I’m crying for no reason over little things, it’s because I have to walk through the process of mourning things I’ve lost.  I know I said goodbye in my last country, but I’m finding there is still grieving to do.  Some days I want to pretend away that grief, but it’s still there.  I’m saying goodbye to people, places, foods, routines, careers, and the intangible losses of dreams, innocence, etc.  It helps me grieve when you’re willing to listen…to what I’ve lost, to what I miss, to what is hard.  As I talk about it, I find I’m able to grieve it and move on.  It is such a gift when we go to international stores to find things I miss or make a meal I miss from living overseas.

I’m living in a constant state of awkward these days.  Everything I do feels awkward.  Registering for school, using an ATM, shopping in a large grocery store, knowing what are appropriate topics to talk about at parties. It’s a bit overwhelming.  I feel out of the loop.  If I seem overwhelmed by little things, it’s because my brain feels paralyzed by the myriad of “new” things I’m doing.  Life takes so much more energy.  It’s OK to ask if there are things I have questions about or want to re-learn how to do.  I may be ashamed to ask, but it is such a grace when you’re willing to explain without judgment how things work in this new home.

I wish I had more energy then I do.  When you ask me to do things and I say no, it’s not because I don’t want to hang out.  It may be that I can’t manage one more thing today.  Tomorrow I may be able to say yes.  Please, please keep asking.  I really do want friends in my new home.

I may not be talking about my life overseas, but chances are I’m thinking about it a lot.  I know it’s been a couple years, but I still think about life in my former country.  Some days I wonder if we made the right choice moving home.  Some days I wonder if my life overseas made a difference.  Some days I feel guilty for not being there.  One of the best gifts you can give me is to ask about my life before this.  I am probably not talking about it because it’s hard to talk about or I’m not sure you want to hear about it, but I really do want someone to ask me how it was.

Help me talk about the paradox. My time overseas had amazing moments and tough moments.  I need to talk about both with a healthy balance.  When you ask me questions about what was good and what was hard in equal measure it helps.  It allows me to grieve the hard and celebrate the good.  It protects me from remembering a distorted picture.  Please don’t assume that my life overseas was either wonderful or hard all the time.  Most of the time it was both at the same time.

I know I’m hard to live with right now, and I’m sorry.  I don’t understand all the emotions that are going on inside of me, but sometimes anger, cynicism, and a critical spirit bubble up in me in ways I didn’t know were possible.  They tell me it’s a part of reverse culture shock to feel some of these things.  I’m sorry for the ways this makes living with me challenging.  Please don’t think I’m going crazy when I express some of these feelings.  Believe me, I don’t like this part of me either.  They tell me it won’t last forever.  Thank you for having the grace to let me walk through this process of re-entry…and providing a safe place for me to talk through all the crazy emotions that go with it.

Please remind me that I have value as a person regardless of my current occupation. Sometimes I can believe the lie that I’m not an important person anymore because I’m not doing a job that people see as “cool” or world changing.  It is such a gift when you affirm that my value is found in who I am, and not what I do.  When you ask things like “what are you doing next?”, I know you are genuinely interested, but if I don’t have a cool answer {or any answer} it can lead me down a road of thinking that my value is tied to my occupation.  You might also be careful of asking “when are you going to move back?”  That can also be a hard question too.  Thank you so much for the ways you affirm how you see me using my gifts in this new place.  That really helps.

My mental and emotional health may be a bit shaky.  I’m not going crazy, it’s a bi-product of having a high stress job overseas and the normal process of reverse culture shock.  It isn’t true for everyone, but they tell me it’s not unusual for people in re-entry to find themselves experiencing some depression, anxiety, PTSD type symptoms.  It’s not necessarily because something happened on the field.  It does not mean I’m doing something wrong in re-entry.  It’s not because you are doing something wrong.  Sometimes it’s just because living overseas is a high stress job, and we can’t escape the toll it can take on our emotional and mental health.

It is such a gift when people genuinely ask me how I’m doing.  If I’m struggling in these areas, please don’t freak out.  Remind me that this is a part of transition for some people {without minimizing what I’m feeling}.  Encourage me to talk to a professional who has experience working with those who’ve lived overseas.  If I’m scared to go by myself, go with me.  Ask me what my triggers are.  Ask how you can help.  Celebrate when I invest my time and energy in things that will strengthen my emotional health {sometimes I feel selfish to be focusing on these things}.  It helps to have other people say it’s important.  Remind me that this is just a season.  Sometimes the scariest part is thinking I will feel this way forever.  What a gift it is to have people in my life who don’t offer the quick fix answers but who are willing to walk with me on this journey.

I just want to be a normal person!  Please don’t assume I’m super spiritual or don’t struggle just because I’ve been employed in full time ministry overseas.  I just want to be me.  I just want to have friends.  I’m not a superstar.  This for me is the hardest season my spiritual life has ever gone through…and some days I need people who are OK with listening to my doubts and questions, and who don’t assume that I’ve got it all together.  It is so life giving when I feel a freedom to be me {with all of the good and complicated parts}.

If it seems like I don’t know what I want…it’s because I don’t!  Living overseas confused my identity in a big way!  There are parts of the old me and parts of the new me that are all mixed up inside.  It’s going to take some time to sort all that out.  I’m not the same person who moved to the field.  I’m also not the same person here as I was overseas.  You may find that I change my mind about what I want from one day to another.  It may take me a while to figure out things like what church I like or what part of town I want to live in.  And just to warn you, it probably won’t be the same decision I made before I moved overseas.    It’s like I’m having to figure out “who do I want to be when I grow up” all over again.  Please be patient with my pursuit of identity.  It really helps when you speak into my life what you feel like my gifts, talents, and aptitudes are.  As you talk about it, I can start to figure out again who I am.   It’s also a gift to me when you invite me to do new things, and encourage me to explore who I am.  Telling me who I should be won’t work.  I have to figure this one out on my own.

You are more important then you know!  I cannot do re-entry without you.  I need caring people in my life for this season as much as I did when I lived internationally.  Thank you for your patience, your concern, your listening ear, your companionship.  I may not have the emotional energy to express how much your friendship means to me right now, but THANK YOU for walking the re-entry journey with me!